Love Life: Sabbath (Day 39)

Not question because it was Saturday, so Sabbath again...and yesterday was restful, didn't have to do much work just a little reading, and the highlight was hanging with the future in-laws for a baby shower, so it was a good day.

Lord, thank you for today because it was a great day.  Amen.

Love Life: Home (Day 38)

How have you experienced God enticing you, drawing you, calling you?

"You did not choose me, but I chose you" (John 15:16)...God has been calling me for some time to be a part of something bigger, drawing me out to live into the fullness of God's love, and enticing me to a future filled with wonderful opportunities.

Lord, help me to hear your call more clearly, to follow you more nearly, and to live with one foot raised ready to embrace the future.  Amen.

Love Life: Dignity (Day 37)

How is God's love being perfected in you?

It is a process.  I am not perfect.  I will never be perfect.  That's ok because we are invited to this journey of discipleship and a closer relationship with God with the understanding that we will take two steps forward and take a step back.  God's love can be perfected in me when I reflect this reality to others.  We will stumble and that's ok.  We will make mistakes and that is ok.  We will wander down a path that leads us away from God and that's ok because God will not forsake us, God will forgive and embrace us if we truly recognize our missteps and attempt to get back on the right path.  The path to God is not straight and not easy, but it is totally worth it.

Lord, help me to be a vessel of your love and help me to reflect your love to the world.  Amen.

Love Life: Obstacles (Day 36)

What obstacles are you working with?

As I reflect upon my path towards the realization of my vocation there were a number of obstacles that I had to overcome.  The root obstacle was the fact that I needed an undergraduate degree in order to not only be admitted to the ordination process but also to be admitted into seminary.  As I have written before I left my first university it left me in a place where I thought that my vocation would not be realized.  I tried to take classes at other schools but couldn't find the right fit, partially because the schools wanted me to retake classes and partially because I was not in a place to be back in school.  Before I could even address my education I had to address my internal emotional issues.  Once that was under control I still realized I was not in a place to be in school again so I got a job.  It was through that amazing five year experience, as well as the realization about the fragility of the time we have been given on this earth because of the loss of my father, grandfather and uncle during that time, that I decided to renew the pursuit of my vocation.  I have faced several obstacles during these past three years, but nothing like those.  Without the love and support of family and friends, and above all else the love and support of God I would not be here, two months from the realization of several dreams.

Lord, help me on this path of vocation, help me to know that though several milestones are approaching my vocation is doesn't end with ordination and marriage, but it is a lifetime of work and prayer.  Amen.

Love Life: Offering (Day 35)

Who has shown you what it means to be a person of love?

I think that I have been formed by many different people all of whom have shown me what it means to be a person a love.  First and foremost are my parents.  They are and always will be an example of self-sacrificing love for others.  Everything they did and continue to do was for me and my brothers.  They have always put our needs and wants first and for that I am forever thankful.  Then there is the chaplain who worked with me at summer camp for three years.  He taught me how to love myself again after a long dark period of my life.  Then there are my brothers, both my blood brothers and my good friends whom I consider my brothers.  They taught me how to be there and support each other through the good times and the bad.  Most of all the love of my life taught me that I am worth loving in an unconditional way.  These are but a few examples of how I have been formed as a person of love.  Thank you to all who continue to show me love.

Lord, thank you for all of those who have shown me love; help me to see that love and reflect that love to others.  Amen.

Love Life: Belonging (Day 34)

How would you describe your vocation? (Today)

My vocation today has been one of seminary student.  Today has been busy.  I had a good class today as we continued to examine Jesus from the point of view of the poor.  I spent the better part of five hours, today alone, writing a paper for my class tomorrow.  The paper was great in that I learned more about another faith tradition, but it also highlighted my ignorance about some aspects of other faith traditions.  I guess that is why I am in school, right?  I also was part of a meeting of the student leadership of the seminary.  I have also spent a few hours practicing for the service that I will be doing in class on Wednesday.  Nevertheless, once these few days are over there will be a bit of rest before gearing up for the final papers of my seminary career.  So, yeah, my vocation today is as a student.  Tomorrow may be different.  Who knows?

Lord, help to see the many sides of my vocation and how they shift and change over time so that I can live to fullness that you have called me to.  Amen.

Love Life: Vocation (Day 33)

Can you grow into where your heart leads you?

I absolutely think so and furthermore I believe the last four years of my life are a testament to that.  When I left Sewanee after being diagnosed with clinical depression and realizing that this was no longer the place for me, I packed up and went home.  I couldn't find the right school to finish my degree, which was extremely frustrating, so eventually I settled in taking a job with an auto parts company.  At first it was purely because I needed money and health coverage, but it wasn't long until my personality kicked in and my leadership skills took over.  I quickly found that I was good at my job and worked my way up from driver to warehouse manager.  And for several years it was great.  I was working with great people and working for two great owners who trusted me and challenged me.  I honestly could have seen myself staying with the company, making a career out of it and being happy.  But, deep in my heart I knew I was called to do something else.  To me this was a career not a vocation.  My vocation was and is to serve others.  While I was doing this in a way, I felt that I was not really really living into the fullness of my gifts.  And so for the past four years, transitioning out of that job and coming to seminary, has been filled with growth experiences, all because I continued to follow my heart.

Lord, help to remain open to your words and your will that flows from my heart; help to have courage to pursue that even when all possibilities appear exhausted.  Amen.

Love Life: Sabbath (Day 32)

Sabbath, again there is no question to reflect upon, but yesterday turned out to be a pretty awesome and restful day, even though I was busy doing work.  I woke up early becasue one of my good friends and mentor was keeping me updated on the election of the new diocesan bishop back home.  Even though I was three thousand miles away our conversation help me feel as if I was there, not to mention it was a good conversation as always. I saw two college lacrosse games on TV...always a god time.  I did some work on my weekly class assignment, as well as two other kind of major projects due this week in two other classes.  I am still nervous about these two, and one more so in particular, but I keep giving up that anxiety to God through prayer.  I also watched some shows on Netflix and of course spent time with my love.  All in all, it was a good day.  Thank you God.

Lord, thank you for everything.  That is all.  Amen.

Love Life: Lonliness (Day 31)

When you feel lonely, how can you turn to God for help?

Fortunately or perhaps unfortunately, this one is easier for me.  In his reflection on this question Bishop Tom comments that everyone feels this way and when he was younger he would try to fill that void, but he found that this approach did not work.  His approach now is to honestly tell God what we are experiencing through prayer, be honest in what we ask for, and be open to how God responds to our prayers, even when it is not how we thought or wanted it to happen.  I offer his thoughts because my experiences are similar.  I too have felt loneliness, and perhaps more than my fair share, and certainly more than I would have liked.  I too tried to fill that void, which did not help at all.  Instead it was destructive and unhealthy.  But, I found that when I was honest in my prayers to God, honest in my pleas, in my prayers for help, in my tears, that made me feel better more than anything else.  I too also realized that God did not answer my prayers in the ways that I wanted, but as I look back I can see clearly God's hand at work in my life.  Even though I have my ups and downs, loneliness no longer has the last word...love does.

Lord, help me to be open to realizing the people that surround me with love; help me to see that I am not alone, even when I am alone.  Amen.

Love Life: Forgive (Day 30)

What breaks you out of your patterns of dislike?

When I think about my dislikes they tend to come from two places, previous experiences and judgements made prior to experience.  While I would like to think that I approach new situations or people with an open heart and mind I know that this is not always the case.  What I have realized is that to break out of those patterns of dislike require experience and willingness to be open to those experiences.  For example, when I have a bad experience trying something new I have to remind myself that this might be a one time occurrence and that I must give it another chance before making up my mind.  This requires that I put that singular bad experience behind and be open to new possibilities.  Another example would be when I come across a new person, whom I have personally never met, but assume that by their appearance or by their words or by their actions I know I will not like them.  However I must be open to give that person the benefit of the doubt, that perhaps this person will be different than the others.  And more often than not that person surprises me and breaks the mold I put them in.  Ultimately to break out of my patterns of dislikes requires an open heart and an open mind.

Lord, help to be more open in both my heart and my mind so that I can give new people and new experiences the benefit of the doubt they deserve; help me so that I do not judge before I have had time to reflect upon those experiences.  Amen.

Love Life: Sin (Day 29)

Make a list of your sinful and graceful actions today. Which side is longer?

It only took 29 days, but I am stumped on this one.  As I reflect upon my day I am struggling to find moments of both sin and grace.  I have been active today, going to class and being at my field education parish, but even in those interactions I see few elements of sin or grace.  It is as if these have become routine actions.  Have broken some rules today?  Sure I drove over the speed limit, checked my phone while I was in the car, and even took a short nap when I should have been working.  But are these sins?  Was I in these moments focused on my own will as opposed to God's will?  I don't think so.  Am I a sinner?  Yes, I am not blameless in my actions.  Am I a sinner today?  I do not think so and maybe it is because I have my own blinders and fail to see what others see.  I don't know.  Perhaps the challenge for me for the rest of Lent is to take this moral inventory each day and see what happens.  I like to think that my grace list would be longer, but only time will tell.

Lord, help me to see more clearly the moments of sin and grace in my life; help to recognize them and when needed ask for forgiveness and reconciliation.  Amen.

Love Life: Service (Day 28)

Can you be content with what you have to give?

Absolutely!  I think that I have a unique set of gifts to offer.  These gifts are mine and mine alone.  Sure others may have similar gifts, but they are not identical.  Of course I want to be able to offer more, but I realize that I can only give what is mine.  I do not have a lot of money and right now my time is very structured, all because I am still in school, but that means I have to find others ways to give of myself.  I am happy with that because I know that as I grow and change, so too will my ability to give of myself to others.  I may only be able to give a little right now, but I know that it will not be that way forever.

Lord, thank you for the gifts that you have bestowed upon me, the gifts that you have given me to share with others, help me to be content with what I have to offer and know that as I grow so too will my ability to give of myself to others.  Amen.

Love Life: Listen (Day 27)

Can you love as a witness? Can you be a listener rather than a savior?

I think that fixing things is one of the most natural desires of someone who is called to ministry.  It seems to me that most of us have a caring heart and are often called upon to fix things, to mend broken relationships, to help sift through the rubble of a shattered life.  As I learned in CPE it is not our job to fix.  God fixes.  It is our job to listen, to be a non-anxious presence so that the person in crisis can reflect upon their situation and discern their own way forward.  Sure we are there to help facilitate that reflection, to dig deeply into the thoughts and feelings so that person has a clearer picture, but we cannot fix.  We have no control over the other person's actions.  I have found from my own experience that when I try to fix somehting I become frustrated becasue that person does not do what I would do.  That's the thing, I have to tell myself that I am not here to fix, God does that, but I can listen and help facilitate reflection.

Lord, help to listen more deeply, help me to guide those in need through careful reflection so that they may discern your will in the life; I know that I do not have the power to fix or heal, that comes from you alone.  Amen.

Love Life: Collaboration (Day 26)

Are you being called to collaborate with others or with God to be more fully alive?

I don't think we really have a choice, do we?  We cannot do this on our.  We certainly need the grace and love of God, salvation cannot be achieved by our own works.  So for me, I am always collaborating with God, seeing God's presence in all I do and in everyone I interact with.  I also think that we must collaborate with each other.  Jesus sent out the disciples in pairs, they were never sent alone, and I think that is because of how much we need the support of others when in engaged in the work of God.  I have tried to go it alone, but I always fail.  I know from my own experiences that when I am working with others, serving with others, and just being around others in general I am more alive.

Lord, you know that I need time to myself, to recharge and collect my thoughts; help me to seek out others, to spend more time in the company of friends and strangers, because I cannot grow if I am alone.  Amen.

Love Life: Sabbath (Day 25)

Sabbath, today was not entirely restful but I used my time to do something different. I accompanied a small group of youth to do a service project as part of their Confirmation class.  Lauren needed another adult and I said sure. I was a little skeptical at first about this project, however it turned out to be a great time. Not only was it was fun, but it was also for a good organization that appears to really be making a difference in the fight against hunger. Today was a good day.

Lord, thank for today and all that it had to offer, help to enjoy each day as fully as possible.  Amen.

Love Life: Name (Day 24)

Pray your name today. What do you hear?

When I sat in silence and prayed my name I heard all the voices that have said my name.  Some of them were loving, like when I was really young the parishioner at my home parish would call me Robbie, or my mother lovingly saying Roo after the Winnie the Pooh character because he was my favorite and because I used to bounce around, or the soft Rob I hear from my love.  Some of them were said crossly, like when I was in trouble and my mother would use Robert.  Of course Robert is also used by strangers who are meeting me for the first time.  What else came to mind were words that describe my relationship with others like brother or friend.  What struck me was the myriad of ways that people know me and each way is different.  As I continue to walk on my journey I will take on new names like Rev. Rob or God willing, dad.  The name we have is given to us without choice, and for the most part goes unchanged, however it is up to us to give that name meaning.

Lord help me to continue to let your love shine forth through me and when people hear my name they will know me by my love of others.  Amen.

Love Life: Change (Day 23)

How is God inviting you to change?

I think that the change that is perhaps most necessary in my life right now is around my habits, specifically those that negatively impact my health and well-being.  I have been trying to quite smoking, which has not been overly successful, because I know that if I want to enjoy a long life with my love and family then this must change.  It was a poor response to dealing with stress, and while I can say I am not a heavy smoker that is no consolation or justification for my behavior.  I know that I cannot do this on my own. I need God's help and the help of others to change.  I also need to change my relationship with food.  It is clear that I need to make better choices and exercise more regularly.  I always seem to have an excuse or put it off one more day, but I have seen what happens when unhealthy eating habits take control.  I have seen how it impacts not only myself, but also others around me.  Again, if I want to live a longer life with my love and family then something has to change.  I cannot wait until it is too late. Dostoevsky once wrote that so much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid, and I would add things left undone.  These changes, changes that I know must occur from deep in my heart, are needed and though I may feel alone or unable to change God is with me, ready to go deeper, ready to go further.

Lord, give me the strength to make better choices regarding my health and my habits, help me to see that I am not alone and that you are with me, walking along side me, always supporting me and always loving me.  Amen.

Love Life: Life (Day 22)

What’s got you half-dead?

Fear...fear is what keeps me from being fully alive.  Fear of failure.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of being hurt.  Fear of hurting others.  Fear of disappointing others.  Fear of disappointing myself.  Fear that I am not good enough.  It is fear that prevents me from being fully alive.  If Jesus is calling me to full life then I must learn to let go of those fears, to offer them up to God, and take that step forward, even if it is into the unknown.  I must learn to be the Rob that God created me to be.  By living more fully into the core of who I am, then I am glorifying God that much more by being who God created me to be.

Lord, help me to let go, help me to give up my fears, offer them to you, so that I may be more fully alive, more fully aware of the person you created me to be.  Amen.

Love Life: Purpose (Day 21)

How can you uniquely reflect the love of God today?

This is a challenging question because I have mentioned before how we are to reflect the love and light of God into the world around us.  While we do this in many ways the question is, how do I do this uniquely?  What can I do that somebody else can't do?  What can I do the reflects the love of God but also have a hint of my unique personality?  Perhaps the best way I can uniquely reflect God's love is through the silly side of me that does not always come out.  This afternoon I had the pleasure of walking around Boston with Lauren and Alec, and when we came upon the Make Way for Ducklings statues in the Boston Public Garden we proceeded to take silly pictures.  It is in those silly moments when I let down my guard, open myself up, and let my inner silliness shine forth.  It is in those moments I can see the silly side of God, the playful side that we sometimes forget about.  What makes it even better is being able to share it with two people whom I love.  Being silly is how I am unique and I need to work on allowing that silliness to come forth more often.

Lord, help me to let go, to not take everything so seriously, to allow my playful and silly side shine forth for those around me and not just those whom I am comfortable around, so that I can not only be the person you created but also to let others see your playful and silly side.  Amen.

Love Life: Incarnation (Day 20)

List three attributes of God that matter most to you.

Love, Partiality, and Light.  I picked these because these are the attributes that I have experienced in my relationship with God.  We often hear of the love that God has for all of us.  It is a love that is unconditional and freely offer to us, but it is up to us to orient ourselves to God, open ourselves so that we can receive that love, and then reflect that love in the world around us.  This is a love that surpasses all understanding and our language ability to truly articulate the magnitude of that love.  We know from the gospels that God is partial, partial to the poor, the oppressed, the marginalized.  We can see from the Sermon on the Mount that those who find themselves on the outside in this world will be at the center, one with God, in the Kingdom of God.  This partiality is not restricted to economic status, but to anyone who suffers any form of oppression, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional.  Finally I chose light because it was in the darkest parts of my life when the only light, the only hope I had rested in God.  It was that light that gave me hope, and it was that hope that kept my from sinking.  This light pierces all darkness and there is no place where God's light cannot shine.  When we find those places where the light is dim or flickering then we are called to reflect that light.

Lord, help me to be the love that needed in this hurting world, help me to see those that suffer from oppression so that together we can work towards justice, and help me to reflect your light in the world around me.  Amen.

Love Life: Participation (Day 19)

Are there areas in your life where you are being called to new life?

Recently I have felt this strong urge to mountain climbing.  I used to do a lot of hiking, camping, and climbing as a teenager becasue of my involvement in the Boy Scouts.  It was within this context that I learned about leadership, survival, and environmental stewardship.  As I was spending time with my friends yesterday we were recalling our trip to Mount Katahdin and as we walked down memory lane it continued to stir up that desire to get back out into the woods.  I think it is in this area of being out in nature with friends that needs new life.  It is too easy to get caught up in other areas of life so that I neglect some of the dormant passions that are a part of me.  I want to be more intentional about pursuing those passions.

Lord, help me to remember the joy I derive out of being in the woods, enjoying your marvelous creation with those I love, remind me that life is bigger than the concerns of today and that by letting go I am opening myself up to something bigger.  Amen.

Love Life: Sabbath (Day 18)

Sabbath, as I look back upon that day it was filled with friends, fun, photos in Boston.  Our friend Alastair followed Lauren and I around Boston taking photos, not only to see how well we work together for the wedding but also to have a few engagement photos.  It was also a day to catch up with old friends.  While it was busy and not really restful it was energizing.

Lord, thank you for this day of fun, help me to be open to more days like this, to share my love and joy with others.  Amen.

Love Life: Intimacy (Day 17)

Sit still until you can hear your heartbeat. What did you experience?

Sitting still can be very hard for me, not just physically but also mentally.  I found that at first every time I tried to clear my mind and focus on my heartbeat thoughts will still come in.  Centering prayer has never been easy for me so this was no surprise.  However, when I was finally able to focus solely on my heart it was as if I entered another state of reality.  My concerns melted away, my thoughts drifted off, and all I could hear and feel was the rhythmic beat of my heart.  It was as if the world around me did not matter.  In that moment I felt closer to God, my heartbeat was God's heartbeat, and God's heart is beating in love for me.

Lord, help me to quiet my body and mind, help me to focus on the beating of my own heart so that I can see that it is your heart that is beating with mine.  Amen.

Love Life: Play (Day 16)

Be playful today. Write a prayer with a twinkle.


Almighty God, do you want to build a snowman?  It doesn't have to be a snowman.  Send us some snow before Lauren and I head back to the left coast.  We want to have a little winter fun.  Ok bye.

Love Life: Identity (Day 15)

Can you approach your chores today as a meditation?

I find that it is when I am doing chores, the little things that indeed make up a majority of our lives, that it is the perfect opportunity to engage in prayer.  Whether it was walking the dog at night and having a conversation with God or doing the dishes and saying the Jesus prayer over and over again, these are the times when I take those simple moments and connect with God.  Sometimes it is hard to set aside time each day to sit and pray in silence.  So it is during these moments, which are indeed chores and must be done, that I find an opportunity to pray.

Lord, thank you for the small moments in life, help me to not view them as chores but as opportunities to engage with you.  Amen. 

Love Life: Beloved (Day 14)

What makes it difficult for you to love?

Self-rejection.  When I forget that I am loved then it becomes difficult to let the love flow from me.  It is easy for me to forget that I am loved, to consider my self unworthy, to beat myself up over mistakes, to tell myself that no one cares.  This is a dark road that is easy to walk down, but even when it feels like there is an absence of love that is not the case.  God loves me and knew me before I was born.  I am loved by my family and friends.  Acts of love come my way from them and even from strangers.  When I remove that self-rejection, embrace my own personal belovedness, then love flows more freely.

Lord, you have known me and loved me since I was in my mother's womb, help to remember this love so that it can shine forth in a world that desperately needs love.  Amen.

Love Life: Friend (Day 13)

What acts of friendship have you initiated or received this week?

Well, as the week is still young I have not had many opportunities to initiate or receive acts of friendship.  However, I will be heading back to Boston tomorrow where I will be able to see my friends and family again.  This will be the perfect opportunity to engage in random acts of friendship as I get to spend time with some of the most important people in my life.  Though as I think about it, the act of friendship I have received is the five brothers who said yes to being by my side at my wedding.  The fact that they are willing to make the commitment time and money, and also to travel across the country to be there for me is awesome.  If that isn't friendship, I don't know what is.

Lord, help me to see the acts of friendship around me, so that I can reciprocate their kindness and love.  Amen.

Love Life: Invitation (Day 12)

There is no actual question for today becasue the reflection offered by the brothers today is on this week's theme of invitation.  They write that we are all invited to be beloved disciples of Jesus.  As I take time to think about this theme, what comes to mind is how we accept this invitation.  Do we accept this invitation to discipleship with an enthusiastic yes?  Or are we more like Nicodemus, a little cautious to commit and believe wholeheartedly?  I think that regardless of the pace at which we put on the mantle of discipleship, the fact of the matter is that we said yes to the invitation.  We were willing to take a risk, to step out into the unknown, all the while allowing Jesus to guide us.  For when we give up our freedom to control every aspect of our lives we see that God is indeed control and not us.  If we are to know God then we must orient our lives away from our inward desires and selfishness and turn them towards Jesus so that we can know and follow him.

There is an ebb and flow to faith.  There are times when we feel so close to God that we are filled with joy and love.  Then, there are times when we feel like we are in a desert, wandering around looking for God's presence but only finding emptiness.  The invitation from Jesus is the promise that if we follow him, he will be with us always, carrying us through the desert, walking side by side through the joy.  So what do we do about those hesitant to accept the invitation?  Is there anything we can do?  I do not think that we can force anyone to accept this invitation, but by letting our lives be a physical witness to the power that this invitation has to offer, the change that this invitation has to offer, and the future that this invitation has to offer, we can show others just how good saying yes can be.

Love Life: Sabbath (Day 11)

Sabbath, while I would like to say that today is a day of complete rest, I have too much to do before heading to Boston on Tuesday night, of course stopping in Phoenix to pick up my love first...here's to a productive Sabbath day.

Lord, help me to find peace and rest even in the midst of work, so that I can learn to always find moments of rest in my busy life.  Amen.

Love Life: Vision (Day 10)

What does God especially cherish about you?

I believe that God cherishes my individuality, my uniqueness. Yes, I do possess character traits from my parents and my appearance due to my genetic make-up, but I have also been formed by my experiences. Not only have these experience helped me to be the unique image of God but people have also helped form me. From my family and friends, to mentors and teachers, and of course even strangers have all contributed. I think that God values my individuality and cherishes the variety of human expression that exists within each of us. Thank you to all who have walked with me along the way.

Lord, thank you for all of those that surround me, support me, and love me; continue to give me the strength and courage to reflect their love back to them, to reflect the love of God, and help me to let me individuality shine forth.  Amen.

Love Life: Remember (Day 9)

Where was God for you today?

Today I received some excellent news.  The news pertained to the final hurdle that lay in the way towards the realization of my call of ordained ministry.  As I reflect back upon the path that has led me to this point there were high points and low points, but throughout the journey God was with me.  Today I see God in the culmination of a this journey.  Today I see God in the opportunities that now await me on the next leg of the journey.  Today I see God in the joy that I am feeling.

For the past few months every communication that I received from the diocese has been assuming that I was approved for ordination.  I had a date.  The Canon for Ordained Vocations was allowing me to look for jobs outside of the diocese, so from her I got the impression that everything was on track.  But today's news made it real.  Now that the Standing Committee has approved me for ordination, the final hurdle has been crossed.  The next few months will be a whirl wind of events, some of them very life-changing.  One part of my journey is nearly complete and for that I am thankful, thankful to God, to my family, to my mentors, to my friends, all, each and everyone of whom has formed me into who I am today.  But with this leg of the journey coming to an end I will be embarking along the next leg of the journey.  There are so many opportunities that await me.

Lord, continue to walk with me along the way, you have been with me and never left my side, I ask that as I head into the next phase of my life that you continue to give me strength and love.  Amen.

Love Life: Acceptance (Day 8)

What is my reminder that I am loved?

I am reminded that I am loved everyday during the hours long FaceTime calls with my beautiful fiance  Lauren.  It is difficult sometimes to find the time or synch up our schedules, but for the last two years we have set aside time each and every day to see and talk with each other.  I know I am loved because someone else out there wants to spend that kind of time with me.  That is a pretty awesome thought and feeling.

Lord, sustain me during my time away from Lauren, strengthen me during our time apart so that when the day comes when we will no longer have to say good-bye we will rejoice and give thanks to you, from whom all blessings flow.  Amen.

Love Life: Relationship (Day 7)

How could you be playful in showing love to others today?
 
I never thought of Jesus as being playful in the Gospel of John, but that is the picture painted by one of the brothers in today's video.  John's gospel does take on a very different tone than the other synoptic gospels, so there is no reason why Jesus could not be seen as playful.  I think that for me what this calls to mind is to not take myself so seriously, to allow that playfulness to come out.  I do have a playful side and it comes out in certain situations, but can I let that out more often?  Can I let go of the serious in order to let the fun in?  I think that I do a pretty good job at carefully balancing the two but perhaps I could do better at showing it to others.

Lord, help me to let my playfulness shine forth, allow me to let go for a bit to embrace the fun, so that I may be a better reflection of your love and light.  Amen.

Love Life: Love (Day 6)

What do you understand about who God is?

God is love.  Simply put, but yet God is infinitely more complicated than that.  I have come to know God in the love that has been given to me by others and by the love that I give to others.  We are made in the image of God so the love we share with each other is but a glimpse of the love that God has for us, for me.  We can never fully comprehend the magnitude of God's love for us because frankly we lack the language that could communicate and understand that love.  However, I know it because I feel it and I can see it in the physical world around, in the relationships I share.

This is a easy, yet complex question.  We come to know God through God's self-revelation to us through Jesus Christ.  This self-revelation has and continues to be given to us in many other ways, through prophetic witness, radical hospitality, and prayer.  These were embodied by Jesus and was central to his life and teachings.  They have also been embodied by other people throughout human history.  God clearly desires a relationship with us and not just as an acquaintance, but an intimate and genuine relationship.  While we can get a mere glimpse at who God is through these experiences we will never know the entirety of who God is.  That is both daunting and comforting.  It is daunting because of the sheer enormity of who God is, yet it is comforting because this also means that anything is possible in God and through God.

Lord, help me to continue to keep my gaze upon you, striving to see your presence in the world around me.  Amen.

Love Life: Revelation (Day 5)

Can you allow yourself to be vulnerable and be embraced?

This is perhaps one of the most difficult things for me to do.  I express my vulnerability in degrees, the closer someone is to my inner circle the more vulnerable I will be with them.  This is helpful in some situations where remaining calm and unaffected is a positive and necessary character trait.  However, it can be unhelpful in pastoral situations where it could be perceived as distant and uncaring.  The challenge for the week, not only through these reflections but also through action, is to be more willing to take that risk.

My CPE group detested me because I always appeared cool and calm, especially in emotionally and spiritually intense situations.  Now of course I experienced feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, and lack of self-confidence during my time in the hospital as a chaplain intern.  However, I never showed it to my peer group or at least they never saw it in our interactions.  One the one hand I do think that this is a very important leadership trait because it inspires confidence and trust in the person who can handle intense situations calmly, carefully, and thoughtfully.  How and why I developed my skill at managing my emotions is a post for another day, but nevertheless my calm demeanor was envied by my CPE group.  One realization that did come about from our conversations was that some people might view that as a negative in a pastoral situate.  On this point I agree, and my qualm with their statements was that they were not in the rooms with me while making pastoral visits and interacting with patients and families.  Of course this is coming from a biased perspective, but I believe that when I was with patients I was being open, genuine, and empathetic.  I have a very deep streak of empathy running through me, so much so that when I put myself in another person's shoes I feel strong emotions.  Perhaps it's just my own projection that what I feel in that situation is similar to others or perhaps I am just naturally predisposed to a certain level of empathy.  Regardless, I believe that I am extremely empathetic and open in my display of emotion when I need to be.

All of this has led me to reflect on why I am not more open and vulnerable with other.  I believe that it is rooted in being rejected on some level, not being embraced.  Being more vulnerable means exposing oneself to others, exposing the deepest parts of our being and even exposing our brokenness.  If we are to experience healing then we have to expose the brokenness.  God knows my brokenness, my deepest thoughts and desires, through my prayer.  It is there that I name those thoughts and feelings.  It is there that I offer them up to God, seeking strength and support.  It is in my prayer life that I am the most vulnerable.  There are a few people, and I mean a few people, with whom I am that open with in person.  I think that I need to be more willing to take that risk, to expose my wounds so that I can be healed.  Clearly I have a lot to reflect on.

Lord, help me to be more vulnerable with others, to be more open to show my emotions, so that the wounds and the burdens I carry may be healed and relieved.  Amen.

Love Life: Sabbath (Day 4)

No question or reflection today.  Resting in the silence.  Call it channeling my inner Elijah, listening for the small voice in the silence.

Lord, put my mind and my heart at ease, push away the cares of today so that I can hear your voice in the quiet moments of this restful day.  Amen.

Love Life: Introduction Part 3 - Scripture (Day 3)

Write a wish for your journey along the way.

This paradox of light and darkness, heavenly and earthly, that is present in the Gospel of John is so true in that it describes the way I live, constantly navigating between the two.  My wish for this journey is to experience both of them more fully, to not be afraid to delve into the dark night of soul while also living in the light that is love of Jesus Christ and the promise of the Kingdom of God.  It is a delicate balance as staying in one place too long can cloud my vision.  Stay in the darkness too long and I can be consumed by it.  But if I never acknowledge it and always stay in the light, the darkness will grow and grow.  Likewise, if I focus too much on the heavenly, the earthly needs of the people around me will not be met.  I hope that during this journey I can be more intentional and aware of these moments.  How do I look to the future but remain in the present?  How do I live in the light while also acknowledging the darkness?

Lord, walk with me as I embark on this journey.  Be the light in the darkness, help me to be aware of the depths of my own soul, so that I can not only take better care of myself but also be a better minister to others.  Amen

Love Life: Introduction Part 2 - Gospel (Day 2)

What new word is God speaking to you?

Self-worth.  This is the word that has been speaking to me in my prayer recently.  It is a word that I hear, but I am not actually listening to it.  I am not hearing and inwardly digesting the word, instead it goes in one ear and out the other.  I am slowly approaching a goal that I have been working towards for a long time, a goal that at one point seemed unachievable, but now I am on the verge of its realization.  This goal has and will continue to shape and form my life.  While this is an exciting time, I am now questioning just how good will I be in living out this goal.  Am I good enough?  Will I make a difference?  What sets me apart from others who are also realizing the same goal?  I believe that I am called to a specific vocation.  I believe that I have a range of gifts and acquired skills that will support this vocation.  But somewhere, somehow I do not feel good enough.  It is not that I need to be told that I am good enough by others because I tend to diminish or dismiss their praise.  However, it is clear that if God is telling me that I am good enough and others are telling me that I am good enough then perhaps it is time for me to stop hearing and actually listen.

This was especially hard for me because as I look back throughout my life I think that I have always struggled with a sense of self-worth.  I am confident in my skills.  I am confident in what I bring to the table, but I often struggle with accepting that I am good enough.  Don't get me wrong, I have a loving and supportive family and circle of friends that have been very supportive and they have affirmed my calling.  I think that my struggle is that I am a bit dismissive of their plaudits because what loving family or friends would say, "Hey, you kind of suck at this maybe you should think of doing something else."  No one would say that, unless they were brutally honest, which sometimes is necessary in any relationship but is set aside because no one wants to hurt another person's feelings.  I think I will become more confident in myself when I am actually living out this vocation.  Perhaps I have been in an academic setting too long, too removed from actively engaging with a community on a day to day basis.  I think it is time for me to put my gifts and skills to use and then, maybe then, I will see more value in myself in what I can give to the wider world.

Lord, help me to actually listen to the words you speak to me and to trust them, because if I am not listening to that word what else am I missing?  Help me to listen better.  Amen.

Love Life: Introduction Part 1 - Conversion (Day 1)

Where can you know abundant life? Where can you still grow?

I can see the abundant life around me, as proclaimed by Jesus in the Gospel of John, through the love and support that I feel from my family and friends, to know that I am not alone; and the love that shines through them is a reflection of the love that God has for me.  It is a personal and intimate love that transcends all sorrow and loneliness, that light that shines when all other light has disappeared.  When that love flows to me from others then I know that I have experienced a glimpse of the abundant life promised to us by Jesus.

My growing edge is learning how to better reflect that love that I experience to others.  I feel that I so show and share that love but not all the time.  I believe that I can be more open, more forward, and more vocal in sharing the love of God with others.


These first questions had me thinking and got me thinking good.  (Yes I know it is bad grammar.)  These questions forced me to reflect upon my life and see just where do I feel and see God's blessings at work.  It also forced me to determine where I still need to grow.  The first part was fairly easy as I have been blessed to have such a great loving and supportive family, including my new family that will be made official in just about 78 days...who's counting???  I also have been blessed with amazing group of friends that continue to demonstrate unwavering support and generous hospitality.  I am truly thankful for both as this journey would be much more difficult without them.  The hard part was the second question as it forced me to face my perceived inadequacies so that I might be more aware of them.  Awareness of these short comings will allow me to focus on them in order to change.  Of course change does not come easily as we are all creatures of habit, but by bringing it to the forefront I am more apt to think about it the next time I am in a situation where I would normally be reserved when I should be more open.

Lord, help me more open in sharing your love with the world.  Amen.

Lent...It's about to begin!!!!

Lent is about to begin and I am faced with the struggle that I faced last year...sticking to a new spiritual practice or some other program.  At my field education parish I have been working on a 5-week series based on the Restoration Project Movement.  Their Lenten challenge is 20/1/4; 20 minutes of prayer a day, 1 hour of worship a week, and 4 hours of community service a week. We will also be reading their book on the movement that is intended to bring about a deeper relationship with God through Jesus.  So we will be reflecting upon our own personal experiences with the Lenten Challenge as well as reflect upon the readings from the book.  While this should be a great series to engage with and further the formation into better discipleship for both myself and the parish, but we only meet once a week so it lacks that daily element that I am looking for.  That is why I will also participate in the program offered by the Society of St. John the Evangelist, an Episcopal/Anglican monastic community that I am affiliated with and is located in Cambridge, MA.  For Lent they have produced a series of videos and questions that will be sent out daily.  They hope that individuals and groups will watch the videos, answer the questions and then share their answer via social media, using the hashtag #LoveLife.  I am going to challenge myself to engage in this daily program and share my answers via Facebook and here, but I will also post a reflection upon the question and my response.  Hopefully I can see this through for forty days.  Wish me luck.

It is in moments like this I think of Cartman and his lack of discipline.  Time for pancakes!

Church in the Inventive Age

For my Issues in Ministry class I have been reading a book entitled Church in the Inventive Age by Doug Pagitt.  Pagitt is the founder of Solomon's Porch which is a missional Christian community in Minneapolis, MN.  Most people would classify his community as an "emerging church" community, though I am not entirely sure they would classify themselves as such.  Regardless of classification, Pagitt's form of ministry has been widely successful at bringing young adults into relationship with God.  The practices of the community would not look like mainstream Christianity.  The appearance would be radically different.  One would struggle to find connections to any mainstream denomination, but the connections are there and the radically welcoming spirit that they exude is intoxicating.  They, and so many other emerging communities that are popping up across the country, are offering young adults the stimulating environment that helps to foster community.  Though his approach to ministry, mission, and evangelism, is not like "our approach" the desired results are the same, empowering people to explore their relationship with God while living out their faith in their daily lives.

That being said, Pagitt has written several books about his experiences with alternative expressions of our shared Christian faith, which is why we are reading him in class.  In his book he raises an interesting point about being church in the inventive age.  He argues that the church has borne witness to several ages from the agrarian age to the industrial age to the information age and now we live in the inventive age.  He contends that we, the church, must adapt to the age in which we live or we risk falling by the wayside.  I would bet that there a lot of people who think the same way.  "The church must change or we will become irrelevant," or "we are dying because we are too stuck in the past."  I however see it a little bit differently.  I agree that we must adapt our message so that we can connect with people across multiple platforms.  And when I say adapt our message I really mean the ways in which we communicate that message.  If preaching the word of God on Sunday mornings from a pulpit in a nearly empty church isn't working then perhaps the word of God needs to travel to meet the people where they are, since they are not in the pews.  If missional work is done by the clergy alone, then perhaps it is time to give up our personal authority so that we can empower the laity to lead.  I do agree that we need to adapt our delivery system but what will happen if we take on too much of our culture?  Will we not just blend in and fade into the background?  It seems to me that the church has been and must continue to be counter-cultural.  We must be willing to engage in the conversation that are need for our day, but I fear that take on the mantle of our current culture and carry it too far our Christian identity might be lost in the milieu.  I am supportive and even excited to continue to explore new expressions of our identity and faith, but we must not be too willing to differentiate ourselves from our history and tradition.  Pagitt is on to something, it is up to us individually to figure out how it might apply to our own faith communities.

Humility

One of my classes this semester is Eastern Christian Spirituality and we are examining primary sources, translated into English thankfully, and delving into the depths of what constitutes Eastern Christian spirituality.  The Eastern Church, or Orthodox Church as it is more commonly known, is full of division much in the same way that the Anglican Church is divided among national lines but for the Eastern Church it is divided more along ethnic lines.  So the Greek Church, its liturgical customs, spiritual practices and theological understandings are not isolated to Greece alone but to those who self-identify as Greek.  Another example, not all Slavs are members of the Russian Church, but there are many smaller churches that correspond to ethnic identity, so there is a Serbian Church, a Bosnian Church, an Armenian Church, a Georgian Church.  Each church is independent and no other church/patriarch can tell another church what to do.  But just like the Anglican national churches they all share a common history and overarching traditions and practices.  I digress, so we started with the desert Mothers and Fathers that looked for unity with God in the desert wilderness.

The women and men who set out for the wilderness were looking for something that they could not find in the urban centers of the time.  They perceived the corruption that occurred in the cities and fled to the harsh wilderness of the desert to find the quiet thin places where someone can focus on their relationship with God and avoid the myriad of distractions that comes with urban living.  Through their actions they attracted others and soon small communities dedicated to ascetic living popped up and the heads of these communities of men and women were looked to for knowledge and spiritual growth.  What we have today, and what is very prominent in the Eastern traditions, is the sayings of these fathers and mothers.  Instead of passing down long narratives, it was simple sayings that were handed down from generation to generation.  At the heart of most of these sayings is the idea of humility.  They call for humility when dealing with the outside world.  They call for humility when dealing with each other within the community.  And they call for humanity in their relationship with God.

Humbleness, lowering ones own importance, is a trait that is often found lacking in our culture.  I was raised in a culture where individuality was emphasized and asserting ones dominant skills over others.  We are not humility, but instead encouraged to be better than others and to let them know.  Fortunately I was also raised in a faith community where those lessons were learned, or at least the seeds were planted to take root later.  As I pour over the sayings of the desert mothers and fathers they have a wisdom that is still relevant today and I wonder what it would be like if we were all a little more humble?  What would it be like if we lowered our own self-importance so that we could see the world from a different perspective?  If this is practiced in a church community would we be more welcoming if we deflate our own self-importance, as individuals and as a community of faith?  I don't have any answers but its got me thinking.

Such a lonely day...

For the past three days Berkeley has been under a river of moisture coming off of the Pacific.  This means that it has been raining, cold, windy, and just overall damp.  The area desperately needs it, not only because we are in the midst of a serious drought but because it means fewer wildfires in the summer months.  While this is good I think that the darkness has been wearing on me.  I have been functional in the sense that I am sleeping well, going to classes, getting all my reading done, and being generally productive.  However, I cannot seem to shake this gloomy feeling.  Really it has just been today.  I have had this longing desire to leave this place, to be back among family and friends that I have been away from now for almost three years.  I feel that my time here is definitely coming to a close and right now, in this moment, it cannot come quickly enough.

As I reflect on these feelings and what is causing me to feel this way I am becoming aware of the huge changes that are looming on the horizon.  First and foremost is the wedding.  On May 24th I will no longer have to say goodbye to Lauren.  On May 24th we will no longer have most of our conversation via the phone or FaceTime.  On May 24th I will be united with my best friend in the midst of family and dear friends and with God's blessing over our union.  Clearly I miss Lauren, my family, and my friends.  But there is another dimension to this.

I am also becoming more aware of my desire to be out of this academic setting and to finally engage in ordained ministry.  this has been a calling that I have felt since I was a teenager, a calling that seemed all but lost just a few years ago, and now I am on the cusp of the realization of this call being made manifest.  I am tired of being forced to read hundreds upon hundreds of pages in books, that while have relevance to ordained ministry, will ultimately not matter significantly in my ministry.  I am tired of sitting in a classroom speaking about ministry in abstract ways, always looking to the future of how these ideas will become applicable.  I feel this burning desire to go out and do something, to take what I have learned or at least what I can remember, and put it to good use.  I feel like a substitute sitting patiently on the bench waiting for the coach to say, "Schoeck get in there and show me what you got."  Each time I return home I am reminded of the work that is happening in the diocese and in the local churches and frankly I want to be involved.  I have to push that excitement and energy down because it is not my time yet.

So I leave you with this song.  The lyrics are pretty intense and I would say that I am not feeling this way but it is the song in my head right now as the light from the sun, filtered through the mists and clouds, fades and darkness once again remains.

What am I going to do with this blog????

A little over two years ago I started this blog because I thought that people might be interested in following me as I embarked on the next chapters of my life.  Two years ago I left everything that I knew to be certain behind, left my family and friends, packed up my stuff, and headed west.  I came to California to begin my seminary education which would be one of the final steps towards ordination.  I wrote about my road trip with Jeff and his girlfriend at the time.  I wrote about the places we drove through and my reflections on what I saw and experienced.  When I got to seminary I posted fairly regularly about my classes and experiences.  But then it slowly tapered off.  Posts became fewer and farther between.  Then I went silent, much to the dismay of some close family and friends.

Almost a year ago I tried to take on a Lenten discipline of posting.  Sadly that did not last long.  I am not sure why I stopped, but nevertheless I stuck with it for a while but again I fell silent.

I am now about to begin my final semester.  The Rob that arrived at CDSP over two years ago is not the Rob I see now when I look in the mirror.  I met the love of my life and we are to wed the day after graduation.  I have completed almost all of my courses needed to graduate.  I have been approved to apply for ordination to the transitional deaconate and have an ordination date, of course God willing and the people consenting.  I will be moving back across the country with my beautiful bride to begin yet again another chapter in my life: married life, family, hopefully a job, and ordained ministry.  This is going to be an amazing four months leading up to graduation, the wedding, and the move east to Boston.  That said what will this blog be now, moving forward?  After some reflection here are my thoughts.

I will attempt to document it as best I can.  I am not making any guarantees on frequency or volume.  I will post reflections on events in my personal life and those that I experience while engaging in ministry.  I will also post my manuscripts and audio files of sermons for those interested.  Hopefully this will be the place where others will find my simple reflections to be interesting.  Here's to 2014 and all that it will bring.