Can you allow yourself to be vulnerable and be embraced?
This is perhaps one of the most difficult things for me to do. I express my vulnerability in degrees, the closer someone is to my inner circle the more vulnerable I will be with them. This is helpful in some situations where remaining calm and unaffected is a positive and necessary character trait. However, it can be unhelpful in pastoral situations where it could be perceived as distant and uncaring. The challenge for the week, not only through these reflections but also through action, is to be more willing to take that risk.
My CPE group detested me because I always appeared cool and calm, especially in emotionally and spiritually intense situations. Now of course I experienced feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, and lack of self-confidence during my time in the hospital as a chaplain intern. However, I never showed it to my peer group or at least they never saw it in our interactions. One the one hand I do think that this is a very important leadership trait because it inspires confidence and trust in the person who can handle intense situations calmly, carefully, and thoughtfully. How and why I developed my skill at managing my emotions is a post for another day, but nevertheless my calm demeanor was envied by my CPE group. One realization that did come about from our conversations was that some people might view that as a negative in a pastoral situate. On this point I agree, and my qualm with their statements was that they were not in the rooms with me while making pastoral visits and interacting with patients and families. Of course this is coming from a biased perspective, but I believe that when I was with patients I was being open, genuine, and empathetic. I have a very deep streak of empathy running through me, so much so that when I put myself in another person's shoes I feel strong emotions. Perhaps it's just my own projection that what I feel in that situation is similar to others or perhaps I am just naturally predisposed to a certain level of empathy. Regardless, I believe that I am extremely empathetic and open in my display of emotion when I need to be.
All of this has led me to reflect on why I am not more open and vulnerable with other. I believe that it is rooted in being rejected on some level, not being embraced. Being more vulnerable means exposing oneself to others, exposing the deepest parts of our being and even exposing our brokenness. If we are to experience healing then we have to expose the brokenness. God knows my brokenness, my deepest thoughts and desires, through my prayer. It is there that I name those thoughts and feelings. It is there that I offer them up to God, seeking strength and support. It is in my prayer life that I am the most vulnerable. There are a few people, and I mean a few people, with whom I am that open with in person. I think that I need to be more willing to take that risk, to expose my wounds so that I can be healed. Clearly I have a lot to reflect on.
Lord, help me to be more vulnerable with others, to be more open to show my emotions, so that the wounds and the burdens I carry may be healed and relieved. Amen.
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