Such a lonely day...

For the past three days Berkeley has been under a river of moisture coming off of the Pacific.  This means that it has been raining, cold, windy, and just overall damp.  The area desperately needs it, not only because we are in the midst of a serious drought but because it means fewer wildfires in the summer months.  While this is good I think that the darkness has been wearing on me.  I have been functional in the sense that I am sleeping well, going to classes, getting all my reading done, and being generally productive.  However, I cannot seem to shake this gloomy feeling.  Really it has just been today.  I have had this longing desire to leave this place, to be back among family and friends that I have been away from now for almost three years.  I feel that my time here is definitely coming to a close and right now, in this moment, it cannot come quickly enough.

As I reflect on these feelings and what is causing me to feel this way I am becoming aware of the huge changes that are looming on the horizon.  First and foremost is the wedding.  On May 24th I will no longer have to say goodbye to Lauren.  On May 24th we will no longer have most of our conversation via the phone or FaceTime.  On May 24th I will be united with my best friend in the midst of family and dear friends and with God's blessing over our union.  Clearly I miss Lauren, my family, and my friends.  But there is another dimension to this.

I am also becoming more aware of my desire to be out of this academic setting and to finally engage in ordained ministry.  this has been a calling that I have felt since I was a teenager, a calling that seemed all but lost just a few years ago, and now I am on the cusp of the realization of this call being made manifest.  I am tired of being forced to read hundreds upon hundreds of pages in books, that while have relevance to ordained ministry, will ultimately not matter significantly in my ministry.  I am tired of sitting in a classroom speaking about ministry in abstract ways, always looking to the future of how these ideas will become applicable.  I feel this burning desire to go out and do something, to take what I have learned or at least what I can remember, and put it to good use.  I feel like a substitute sitting patiently on the bench waiting for the coach to say, "Schoeck get in there and show me what you got."  Each time I return home I am reminded of the work that is happening in the diocese and in the local churches and frankly I want to be involved.  I have to push that excitement and energy down because it is not my time yet.

So I leave you with this song.  The lyrics are pretty intense and I would say that I am not feeling this way but it is the song in my head right now as the light from the sun, filtered through the mists and clouds, fades and darkness once again remains.