I deliberately took a long period of time off from getting into a groove with this new found blogging. I need this time off to do some work on myself. I needed this time to do some serious reflection and try to gain some perspective on how to move forward. It is so easy with this new age of social media and the internet to be able to communicate and express one's thoughts and feelings but the inherent downside to this flow of conscious thought is over sharing. I used to be on Facebook and I would see it all the time. People would post the most random things and sometimes very personal things and it is always been my fear of having something out there that might come to haunt me later. I would hate to miss out on or opportunity or be excluded from something based on a post that was taken out of context or a picture that could be taken the wrong way. This is the reason I took the time off. What I was experiencing was something that rocked me to my very core. That has happened only a few times in my life and they were not very pleasant circumstances. I didn't want to get on here and blab away and work through my issues only to find that I offend someone or say something that I shouldn't. Sometimes discretion is overlooked when doing things in haste.
When you lose something that has been an integral part of your life for so long it not so easy to shake it off and get back up on your feet again. Often I find myself wandering into those places in my heart to try and resurrect those memories only to find it be bittersweet because that is all they are, just memories. Nothing will bring back that reality, it has come and it has gone. The danger is living only in those memories while the world around us passes by. I found that I may have been doing just that, holding onto memories of someone who just wasn't that person anymore. After some long nights and difficult days the veil has been lifted from my eyes.
When we are cut that deep we never fully heal. Instead trying to go back to "the way things were" you ave to move forward and you learn to live without that light in your life. We must constantly be moving forward and there will, and I emphasize that, there will be better days. But when all is said in done a little part of me is lost too, there is no denying that. What I have found to be a rock in these past few weeks is my prayer. Instead of keeping everything all jumbled up inside I offer it up to God and I know that he will give me the strength to continue. He will take away that pain if we let Him. Having that regular time and conversation with God has allowed me to see things from a different lens, to see that i may have my flaws, my weaknesses, my struggles, but that this is all part of being human. I may no longer be chosen to be apart of her life, I may be the stone that the builder has refused, but I know that God has something in store for me, somehting grand and that I will become the chief cornerstone in all my imperfect glory.
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