Hurt

"What have I become, my sweetest friend?  Everyone I know, goes away in the end."

I have spent the better part of today by myself, which is a first for me since my arrival on campus.  Except for my class and two meals, I have been alone.  There are times when I do not mind, if not prefer to be alone.  It is during those times that I can often think more clearly and actually get work done.  But, ever since I have been here there has always been someone around, even just in passing.  Today seems to be a bit empty, devoid of contact...alone.

Over the past month I have spent a considerable amount of time with the people in my First Year Class.  We have attended services together, eaten our meals together, worshiped together, and even hit the town together.  This is the very definition of community, a place of mutual support and love.  I will be the first to admit that every now and then a break from community is a good thing, a healthy thing.  However, I heard this song this afternoon and it has kind of set my mood for the rest of the day.  The song is called Hurt and it is performed by Johnny Cash, though originally written and performed by Nine Inch Nails.  I personally prefer this version over the original.  Johnny Cash recorded the song and the music video in 2002 shortly before his death in 2003.  After being diagnosed with a terminal disease Johnny looked back at his life and legacy and it was impossible for him to not feel pains of regret for some of his actions.  This video so eloquently captures that raw emotion, especially as we see Johnny sitting at the piano hitting one note over and over again, while scenes of his life pass by on the screen.  This is a song that stirs up some very powerful emotions, and it does so to me.

On my desk next to my computer sits a picture.  It is an old picture, if you can consider 1999 old, and though I am not in it I do remember being there.  In the picture is my aunt Carol, my uncle Richard, and my father.  While I cannot confirm it, mainly because I cannot remember another gathering like this one, but this very well may be the last time they were all together in one place.  It is a picture of a family that has been tragically torn apart by the malevolent will of Man and the benevolent will of God.  I looked at this picture while the song was playing and I thought about my own regrets.  I thought about the things that I wish I could take back, the things that perhaps should have been said or done that will forever remain in that place of unknown.  I began to identify with Johnny, but I quickly realized that I cannot live into these emotions and let them bury me.  I must acknowledge them, for sure, but I must not allow these thoughts to cloud my mind and control my actions.  I am here today because of what my father and uncle had given me.  I must never forget the lessons that they taught me or the shinning example of their witness that brought forth the love of God into this world.  It is ok to feel this way and it is ok to be alone, but it is the love and support of community that will bring me back from this place.  It is through community that I am reminded, of my gifts and my responsibility to their memory and to God, to let my gifts shine forth in this world.  While we all may need a break from community every now and then, we must not succumb to the belief that we can live our lives without it.

There will be more days like this, that much you can count on, but for me, it is about what I must do to make sure that I pull myself back to my feet so that I can walk again in the knowledge and love of God and be a shinning example for others like those who came before me.