What new word is God speaking to you?
Self-worth. This is the word that has been speaking to me in my prayer recently. It is a word that I hear, but I am not actually listening to it. I am not hearing and inwardly digesting the word, instead it goes in one ear and out the other. I am slowly approaching a goal that I have been working towards for a long time, a goal that at one point seemed unachievable, but now I am on the verge of its realization. This goal has and will continue to shape and form my life. While this is an exciting time, I am now questioning just how good will I be in living out this goal. Am I good enough? Will I make a difference? What sets me apart from others who are also realizing the same goal? I believe that I am called to a specific vocation. I believe that I have a range of gifts and acquired skills that will support this vocation. But somewhere, somehow I do not feel good enough. It is not that I need to be told that I am good enough by others because I tend to diminish or dismiss their praise. However, it is clear that if God is telling me that I am good enough and others are telling me that I am good enough then perhaps it is time for me to stop hearing and actually listen.
This was especially hard for me because as I look back throughout my life I think that I have always struggled with a sense of self-worth. I am confident in my skills. I am confident in what I bring to the table, but I often struggle with accepting that I am good enough. Don't get me wrong, I have a loving and supportive family and circle of friends that have been very supportive and they have affirmed my calling. I think that my struggle is that I am a bit dismissive of their plaudits because what loving family or friends would say, "Hey, you kind of suck at this maybe you should think of doing something else." No one would say that, unless they were brutally honest, which sometimes is necessary in any relationship but is set aside because no one wants to hurt another person's feelings. I think I will become more confident in myself when I am actually living out this vocation. Perhaps I have been in an academic setting too long, too removed from actively engaging with a community on a day to day basis. I think it is time for me to put my gifts and skills to use and then, maybe then, I will see more value in myself in what I can give to the wider world.
Lord, help me to actually listen to the words you speak to me and to trust them, because if I am not listening to that word what else am I missing? Help me to listen better. Amen.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Love Life: Introduction Part 1 - Conversion (Day 1)
Where can you know abundant life? Where can you still grow?
I can see the abundant life around me, as proclaimed by Jesus in the Gospel of John, through the love and support that I feel from my family and friends, to know that I am not alone; and the love that shines through them is a reflection of the love that God has for me. It is a personal and intimate love that transcends all sorrow and loneliness, that light that shines when all other light has disappeared. When that love flows to me from others then I know that I have experienced a glimpse of the abundant life promised to us by Jesus.
My growing edge is learning how to better reflect that love that I experience to others. I feel that I so show and share that love but not all the time. I believe that I can be more open, more forward, and more vocal in sharing the love of God with others.
These first questions had me thinking and got me thinking good. (Yes I know it is bad grammar.) These questions forced me to reflect upon my life and see just where do I feel and see God's blessings at work. It also forced me to determine where I still need to grow. The first part was fairly easy as I have been blessed to have such a great loving and supportive family, including my new family that will be made official in just about 78 days...who's counting??? I also have been blessed with amazing group of friends that continue to demonstrate unwavering support and generous hospitality. I am truly thankful for both as this journey would be much more difficult without them. The hard part was the second question as it forced me to face my perceived inadequacies so that I might be more aware of them. Awareness of these short comings will allow me to focus on them in order to change. Of course change does not come easily as we are all creatures of habit, but by bringing it to the forefront I am more apt to think about it the next time I am in a situation where I would normally be reserved when I should be more open.
Lord, help me more open in sharing your love with the world. Amen.
I can see the abundant life around me, as proclaimed by Jesus in the Gospel of John, through the love and support that I feel from my family and friends, to know that I am not alone; and the love that shines through them is a reflection of the love that God has for me. It is a personal and intimate love that transcends all sorrow and loneliness, that light that shines when all other light has disappeared. When that love flows to me from others then I know that I have experienced a glimpse of the abundant life promised to us by Jesus.
My growing edge is learning how to better reflect that love that I experience to others. I feel that I so show and share that love but not all the time. I believe that I can be more open, more forward, and more vocal in sharing the love of God with others.
These first questions had me thinking and got me thinking good. (Yes I know it is bad grammar.) These questions forced me to reflect upon my life and see just where do I feel and see God's blessings at work. It also forced me to determine where I still need to grow. The first part was fairly easy as I have been blessed to have such a great loving and supportive family, including my new family that will be made official in just about 78 days...who's counting??? I also have been blessed with amazing group of friends that continue to demonstrate unwavering support and generous hospitality. I am truly thankful for both as this journey would be much more difficult without them. The hard part was the second question as it forced me to face my perceived inadequacies so that I might be more aware of them. Awareness of these short comings will allow me to focus on them in order to change. Of course change does not come easily as we are all creatures of habit, but by bringing it to the forefront I am more apt to think about it the next time I am in a situation where I would normally be reserved when I should be more open.
Lord, help me more open in sharing your love with the world. Amen.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Lent...It's about to begin!!!!
Lent is about to begin and I am faced with the struggle that I faced last year...sticking to a new spiritual practice or some other program. At my field education parish I have been working on a 5-week series based on the Restoration Project Movement. Their Lenten challenge is 20/1/4; 20 minutes of prayer a day, 1 hour of worship a week, and 4 hours of community service a week. We will also be reading their book on the movement that is intended to bring about a deeper relationship with God through Jesus. So we will be reflecting upon our own personal experiences with the Lenten Challenge as well as reflect upon the readings from the book. While this should be a great series to engage with and further the formation into better discipleship for both myself and the parish, but we only meet once a week so it lacks that daily element that I am looking for. That is why I will also participate in the program offered by the Society of St. John the Evangelist, an Episcopal/Anglican monastic community that I am affiliated with and is located in Cambridge, MA. For Lent they have produced a series of videos and questions that will be sent out daily. They hope that individuals and groups will watch the videos, answer the questions and then share their answer via social media, using the hashtag #LoveLife. I am going to challenge myself to engage in this daily program and share my answers via Facebook and here, but I will also post a reflection upon the question and my response. Hopefully I can see this through for forty days. Wish me luck.
It is in moments like this I think of Cartman and his lack of discipline. Time for pancakes!
It is in moments like this I think of Cartman and his lack of discipline. Time for pancakes!
Friday, February 28, 2014
Church in the Inventive Age
For my Issues in Ministry class I have been reading a book entitled Church in the Inventive Age by Doug Pagitt. Pagitt is the founder of Solomon's Porch which is a missional Christian community in Minneapolis, MN. Most people would classify his community as an "emerging church" community, though I am not entirely sure they would classify themselves as such. Regardless of classification, Pagitt's form of ministry has been widely successful at bringing young adults into relationship with God. The practices of the community would not look like mainstream Christianity. The appearance would be radically different. One would struggle to find connections to any mainstream denomination, but the connections are there and the radically welcoming spirit that they exude is intoxicating. They, and so many other emerging communities that are popping up across the country, are offering young adults the stimulating environment that helps to foster community. Though his approach to ministry, mission, and evangelism, is not like "our approach" the desired results are the same, empowering people to explore their relationship with God while living out their faith in their daily lives.
That being said, Pagitt has written several books about his experiences with alternative expressions of our shared Christian faith, which is why we are reading him in class. In his book he raises an interesting point about being church in the inventive age. He argues that the church has borne witness to several ages from the agrarian age to the industrial age to the information age and now we live in the inventive age. He contends that we, the church, must adapt to the age in which we live or we risk falling by the wayside. I would bet that there a lot of people who think the same way. "The church must change or we will become irrelevant," or "we are dying because we are too stuck in the past." I however see it a little bit differently. I agree that we must adapt our message so that we can connect with people across multiple platforms. And when I say adapt our message I really mean the ways in which we communicate that message. If preaching the word of God on Sunday mornings from a pulpit in a nearly empty church isn't working then perhaps the word of God needs to travel to meet the people where they are, since they are not in the pews. If missional work is done by the clergy alone, then perhaps it is time to give up our personal authority so that we can empower the laity to lead. I do agree that we need to adapt our delivery system but what will happen if we take on too much of our culture? Will we not just blend in and fade into the background? It seems to me that the church has been and must continue to be counter-cultural. We must be willing to engage in the conversation that are need for our day, but I fear that take on the mantle of our current culture and carry it too far our Christian identity might be lost in the milieu. I am supportive and even excited to continue to explore new expressions of our identity and faith, but we must not be too willing to differentiate ourselves from our history and tradition. Pagitt is on to something, it is up to us individually to figure out how it might apply to our own faith communities.
That being said, Pagitt has written several books about his experiences with alternative expressions of our shared Christian faith, which is why we are reading him in class. In his book he raises an interesting point about being church in the inventive age. He argues that the church has borne witness to several ages from the agrarian age to the industrial age to the information age and now we live in the inventive age. He contends that we, the church, must adapt to the age in which we live or we risk falling by the wayside. I would bet that there a lot of people who think the same way. "The church must change or we will become irrelevant," or "we are dying because we are too stuck in the past." I however see it a little bit differently. I agree that we must adapt our message so that we can connect with people across multiple platforms. And when I say adapt our message I really mean the ways in which we communicate that message. If preaching the word of God on Sunday mornings from a pulpit in a nearly empty church isn't working then perhaps the word of God needs to travel to meet the people where they are, since they are not in the pews. If missional work is done by the clergy alone, then perhaps it is time to give up our personal authority so that we can empower the laity to lead. I do agree that we need to adapt our delivery system but what will happen if we take on too much of our culture? Will we not just blend in and fade into the background? It seems to me that the church has been and must continue to be counter-cultural. We must be willing to engage in the conversation that are need for our day, but I fear that take on the mantle of our current culture and carry it too far our Christian identity might be lost in the milieu. I am supportive and even excited to continue to explore new expressions of our identity and faith, but we must not be too willing to differentiate ourselves from our history and tradition. Pagitt is on to something, it is up to us individually to figure out how it might apply to our own faith communities.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Humility
One of my classes this semester is Eastern Christian Spirituality and we are examining primary sources, translated into English thankfully, and delving into the depths of what constitutes Eastern Christian spirituality. The Eastern Church, or Orthodox Church as it is more commonly known, is full of division much in the same way that the Anglican Church is divided among national lines but for the Eastern Church it is divided more along ethnic lines. So the Greek Church, its liturgical customs, spiritual practices and theological understandings are not isolated to Greece alone but to those who self-identify as Greek. Another example, not all Slavs are members of the Russian Church, but there are many smaller churches that correspond to ethnic identity, so there is a Serbian Church, a Bosnian Church, an Armenian Church, a Georgian Church. Each church is independent and no other church/patriarch can tell another church what to do. But just like the Anglican national churches they all share a common history and overarching traditions and practices. I digress, so we started with the desert Mothers and Fathers that looked for unity with God in the desert wilderness.
The women and men who set out for the wilderness were looking for something that they could not find in the urban centers of the time. They perceived the corruption that occurred in the cities and fled to the harsh wilderness of the desert to find the quiet thin places where someone can focus on their relationship with God and avoid the myriad of distractions that comes with urban living. Through their actions they attracted others and soon small communities dedicated to ascetic living popped up and the heads of these communities of men and women were looked to for knowledge and spiritual growth. What we have today, and what is very prominent in the Eastern traditions, is the sayings of these fathers and mothers. Instead of passing down long narratives, it was simple sayings that were handed down from generation to generation. At the heart of most of these sayings is the idea of humility. They call for humility when dealing with the outside world. They call for humility when dealing with each other within the community. And they call for humanity in their relationship with God.
Humbleness, lowering ones own importance, is a trait that is often found lacking in our culture. I was raised in a culture where individuality was emphasized and asserting ones dominant skills over others. We are not humility, but instead encouraged to be better than others and to let them know. Fortunately I was also raised in a faith community where those lessons were learned, or at least the seeds were planted to take root later. As I pour over the sayings of the desert mothers and fathers they have a wisdom that is still relevant today and I wonder what it would be like if we were all a little more humble? What would it be like if we lowered our own self-importance so that we could see the world from a different perspective? If this is practiced in a church community would we be more welcoming if we deflate our own self-importance, as individuals and as a community of faith? I don't have any answers but its got me thinking.
The women and men who set out for the wilderness were looking for something that they could not find in the urban centers of the time. They perceived the corruption that occurred in the cities and fled to the harsh wilderness of the desert to find the quiet thin places where someone can focus on their relationship with God and avoid the myriad of distractions that comes with urban living. Through their actions they attracted others and soon small communities dedicated to ascetic living popped up and the heads of these communities of men and women were looked to for knowledge and spiritual growth. What we have today, and what is very prominent in the Eastern traditions, is the sayings of these fathers and mothers. Instead of passing down long narratives, it was simple sayings that were handed down from generation to generation. At the heart of most of these sayings is the idea of humility. They call for humility when dealing with the outside world. They call for humility when dealing with each other within the community. And they call for humanity in their relationship with God.
Humbleness, lowering ones own importance, is a trait that is often found lacking in our culture. I was raised in a culture where individuality was emphasized and asserting ones dominant skills over others. We are not humility, but instead encouraged to be better than others and to let them know. Fortunately I was also raised in a faith community where those lessons were learned, or at least the seeds were planted to take root later. As I pour over the sayings of the desert mothers and fathers they have a wisdom that is still relevant today and I wonder what it would be like if we were all a little more humble? What would it be like if we lowered our own self-importance so that we could see the world from a different perspective? If this is practiced in a church community would we be more welcoming if we deflate our own self-importance, as individuals and as a community of faith? I don't have any answers but its got me thinking.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Such a lonely day...
For the past three days Berkeley has been under a river of moisture coming off of the Pacific. This means that it has been raining, cold, windy, and just overall damp. The area desperately needs it, not only because we are in the midst of a serious drought but because it means fewer wildfires in the summer months. While this is good I think that the darkness has been wearing on me. I have been functional in the sense that I am sleeping well, going to classes, getting all my reading done, and being generally productive. However, I cannot seem to shake this gloomy feeling. Really it has just been today. I have had this longing desire to leave this place, to be back among family and friends that I have been away from now for almost three years. I feel that my time here is definitely coming to a close and right now, in this moment, it cannot come quickly enough.
As I reflect on these feelings and what is causing me to feel this way I am becoming aware of the huge changes that are looming on the horizon. First and foremost is the wedding. On May 24th I will no longer have to say goodbye to Lauren. On May 24th we will no longer have most of our conversation via the phone or FaceTime. On May 24th I will be united with my best friend in the midst of family and dear friends and with God's blessing over our union. Clearly I miss Lauren, my family, and my friends. But there is another dimension to this.
I am also becoming more aware of my desire to be out of this academic setting and to finally engage in ordained ministry. this has been a calling that I have felt since I was a teenager, a calling that seemed all but lost just a few years ago, and now I am on the cusp of the realization of this call being made manifest. I am tired of being forced to read hundreds upon hundreds of pages in books, that while have relevance to ordained ministry, will ultimately not matter significantly in my ministry. I am tired of sitting in a classroom speaking about ministry in abstract ways, always looking to the future of how these ideas will become applicable. I feel this burning desire to go out and do something, to take what I have learned or at least what I can remember, and put it to good use. I feel like a substitute sitting patiently on the bench waiting for the coach to say, "Schoeck get in there and show me what you got." Each time I return home I am reminded of the work that is happening in the diocese and in the local churches and frankly I want to be involved. I have to push that excitement and energy down because it is not my time yet.
So I leave you with this song. The lyrics are pretty intense and I would say that I am not feeling this way but it is the song in my head right now as the light from the sun, filtered through the mists and clouds, fades and darkness once again remains.
As I reflect on these feelings and what is causing me to feel this way I am becoming aware of the huge changes that are looming on the horizon. First and foremost is the wedding. On May 24th I will no longer have to say goodbye to Lauren. On May 24th we will no longer have most of our conversation via the phone or FaceTime. On May 24th I will be united with my best friend in the midst of family and dear friends and with God's blessing over our union. Clearly I miss Lauren, my family, and my friends. But there is another dimension to this.
I am also becoming more aware of my desire to be out of this academic setting and to finally engage in ordained ministry. this has been a calling that I have felt since I was a teenager, a calling that seemed all but lost just a few years ago, and now I am on the cusp of the realization of this call being made manifest. I am tired of being forced to read hundreds upon hundreds of pages in books, that while have relevance to ordained ministry, will ultimately not matter significantly in my ministry. I am tired of sitting in a classroom speaking about ministry in abstract ways, always looking to the future of how these ideas will become applicable. I feel this burning desire to go out and do something, to take what I have learned or at least what I can remember, and put it to good use. I feel like a substitute sitting patiently on the bench waiting for the coach to say, "Schoeck get in there and show me what you got." Each time I return home I am reminded of the work that is happening in the diocese and in the local churches and frankly I want to be involved. I have to push that excitement and energy down because it is not my time yet.
So I leave you with this song. The lyrics are pretty intense and I would say that I am not feeling this way but it is the song in my head right now as the light from the sun, filtered through the mists and clouds, fades and darkness once again remains.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
What am I going to do with this blog????
A little over two years ago I started this blog because I thought that people might be interested in following me as I embarked on the next chapters of my life. Two years ago I left everything that I knew to be certain behind, left my family and friends, packed up my stuff, and headed west. I came to California to begin my seminary education which would be one of the final steps towards ordination. I wrote about my road trip with Jeff and his girlfriend at the time. I wrote about the places we drove through and my reflections on what I saw and experienced. When I got to seminary I posted fairly regularly about my classes and experiences. But then it slowly tapered off. Posts became fewer and farther between. Then I went silent, much to the dismay of some close family and friends.
Almost a year ago I tried to take on a Lenten discipline of posting. Sadly that did not last long. I am not sure why I stopped, but nevertheless I stuck with it for a while but again I fell silent.
I am now about to begin my final semester. The Rob that arrived at CDSP over two years ago is not the Rob I see now when I look in the mirror. I met the love of my life and we are to wed the day after graduation. I have completed almost all of my courses needed to graduate. I have been approved to apply for ordination to the transitional deaconate and have an ordination date, of course God willing and the people consenting. I will be moving back across the country with my beautiful bride to begin yet again another chapter in my life: married life, family, hopefully a job, and ordained ministry. This is going to be an amazing four months leading up to graduation, the wedding, and the move east to Boston. That said what will this blog be now, moving forward? After some reflection here are my thoughts.
I will attempt to document it as best I can. I am not making any guarantees on frequency or volume. I will post reflections on events in my personal life and those that I experience while engaging in ministry. I will also post my manuscripts and audio files of sermons for those interested. Hopefully this will be the place where others will find my simple reflections to be interesting. Here's to 2014 and all that it will bring.
Almost a year ago I tried to take on a Lenten discipline of posting. Sadly that did not last long. I am not sure why I stopped, but nevertheless I stuck with it for a while but again I fell silent.
I am now about to begin my final semester. The Rob that arrived at CDSP over two years ago is not the Rob I see now when I look in the mirror. I met the love of my life and we are to wed the day after graduation. I have completed almost all of my courses needed to graduate. I have been approved to apply for ordination to the transitional deaconate and have an ordination date, of course God willing and the people consenting. I will be moving back across the country with my beautiful bride to begin yet again another chapter in my life: married life, family, hopefully a job, and ordained ministry. This is going to be an amazing four months leading up to graduation, the wedding, and the move east to Boston. That said what will this blog be now, moving forward? After some reflection here are my thoughts.
I will attempt to document it as best I can. I am not making any guarantees on frequency or volume. I will post reflections on events in my personal life and those that I experience while engaging in ministry. I will also post my manuscripts and audio files of sermons for those interested. Hopefully this will be the place where others will find my simple reflections to be interesting. Here's to 2014 and all that it will bring.
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