Joy

“What I am anxious to see in Christian believers is a beautiful paradox. I want to see in them the joy of finding God while at the same time they are blessedly pursuing Him. I want to see in them the great joy of having God yet always wanting Him.” ~ A. W. Tozer

I was searching for texts about joy in the Bible and there are many, but none really jumped out at me.  So I opted for an interesting quotation from a prolific religious writer and pastor, A. W. Tozer.  Now I will admit that I had no idea who he was or what he did...until I looked him up on, of all things, Wikipedia.  While not formally a member of any mainline Christian denomination he was instead a pastor of an evangelical church.  During his lifetime he wrote many books and articles on faith and theology.  What I like about this quotation is that, for Tozer joy is something that is felt individually and visible to others.  This joy is derived from engaging in a relationship with God and that this relationship is never final.  Along our journey we can find him, but will never catch him.  We can hold him in our hearts, but yet always desiring to remain and grow closer to God.  It is a paradox that adequately describes the nature of our relationship with God and joy is the byproduct of living our lives in such a manner.

Reflecting upon this quotation has me thinking about the times when I have seen God and how that experience has driven me to seek God in other places.  I remember traveling to Honduras as part of a mission trip.  We had the opportunity to spend most of our time in a village about nine kilometers outside of the center of the capital, Tegucigalpa.  On our first day we walked through the main road of the village down towards the church that we would spend the week building, painting, and cleaning up.  As we walked down the street I could not help but notice the extreme poverty in which these people lived.  Houses, if you even want to call them houses, were made flattened cans.  The floors were bare ground and often only one room where everything happened from cooking to sleeping.  Kids were throwing the household trash out the back door into valleys filled with trash.  Most of the men were employed to farm the banana plantation that fueled any sort of economy in the area.  I was struck by this poverty.  My heart ached.  Feelings of guilt for having so much and not realizing how lucky I was to live in my context.  I had a strong desire to do something, fix something, to improve the quality of life.  But it was overwhelming because no matter how much I wanted to do it would never change things on a systematic level.  We did do great things there that impacted the lives of the villagers, and for that I find joy, but as a whole this poverty will continue no matter how much we did.  Now this should not deter us from continuing to do such work but the problem will not be solved.  Jesus said the poor will always be with us and that as Christians we are to take care of them.

Just as I thought this situation was hopeless, as we met with families and were invited into their homes I saw something that I did not expect to see.  I saw joy.  The people did not see themselves as poor but thankful to be alive, to survive, and to have their families.  They had no attachment to material goods.  They did not adhere to a strict time schedule, things happened when they happened.  They celebrated their faith with joy and it was made manifest in their lives and they way they interacted and lived in community.  Joy can be found in the most unexpected places.  It is found when we seek to serve other in Christ and in deepening our own personal relationship with God.  Where do you find joy in your life?  How can you find joy in a deeper relationship with God?  It is there.  It is possible.  Seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened.

Forgiveness

Forgive us our sins, as we also have forgiven those who sin against us - Matthew 6:12

This verse should be quite familiar.  For most of us this line spoken every Sunday or other Eucharistic services as part of the Lord's Prayer.  This verse is in the midst of the prayer that Jesus teaches to the disciples.  One of them asked Jesus how should they pray, and this was his response.  The passage was read this morning at our Tuesday Eucharist service.  At first I did not give it much thought but then the preacher approached the lectern and proceeded to give her understanding of this passage.  I was surprised that she focused on this verse and how it is applicable in our lives.

She spoke of the shooting that occurred a few years back in Nickel Mines, PA.  It was the tragic story of an Amish community that was forced to live through its own worst nightmare.  A man walked into a one-room schoolhouse and proceeded to open fire, killing five of the ten girls he held hostage before turning the gun on himself and taking his own life.  It is any parent's worst nightmare.  The safety, sanctity, and trust in sending kids to school was shattered.  Instead of just preaching on the nightmare the preacher focused on the response.  Forgiveness.

Most of America did not understand the community's response to not only the shooter but the shooter's family.  For most of us forgiving the perpetrator of such a crime is unfathomable, especially a crime of this nature.  If we look at the central tenets of the Amish faith, and Anabaptists in general from which the Amish are a part, we will see that they take this line of scripture very seriously.  To them it is simple, if you do no forgive those who sin against you then your sins will not be forgiven by God.  It is straightforward and there is no way around it for them.  Their faith dictated that they forgive and this community genuinely forgave the shooter.  They reached out to the family of the shooter and offered forgiveness.  This selfless act, imparted upon those and by those hurt by such monstrous actions, was given freely, in faith, and the hatred and pain was let go and offered up to God.

The preacher noted that what often gets in the way of our own ability to forgive those who have hurt us is our own guilt, our own feeling of responsibility in the actions against us.  For those who lost someone in the attacks 9/11 they struggled with their own guilt of allowing their spouse to go to work that day or any other number of what ifs that would have allowed their loved one to not be in those towers.  Studies have shown that once the family members deal with their own guilt they can then move towards forgiveness of the perpetrators of the crime.  I think the preacher is right in that it is harder to forgive myself than it is to forgive others.

Not everyone will experience a tragedy to the same level as the Amish community in Nickel Mines, or Newtown, CT, or even those involved in 9/11.  However, we all experience some sort of pain that is inflicted upon us by others.  My challenge to you is to reflect upon the hurt that you are holding on to, let go of it, offer it up to God.  Relieve yourself of the burden that is only weighing you down.  Then you will find yourself in a place where forgiveness can happen, reconciliation can happen, healing can happen.  You will never forget, and I am not saying that you should, but there is freedom in letting go.  What are you holding on to?

Light

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it - John 1:5

One of the most powerful images in Christian tradition is that of light.  Light has always played a role in humanity's understanding of the divine.  Ancient civilizations like the Egyptians, Greeks and Romans all had gods that were associated with light, more specifically the sun.  It was worshiped and prayed for as an important cycle of life.  Conversely darkness has a place in our understanding of the divine.  Darkness brings with it connotations of nothingness, empty, devoid of the divine.  From this passage from the prologue of the Gospel of John points to the way in which we view Christ, the Word as existing before creation and through the Incarnation the Word was made flesh in Jesus.  With the incarnation came the divine light that was revealed to us in Christ and through the Spirit.  In this case light brings us strength, sustenance, and hope.

Have you ever been in a room that was completely dark, devoid of light?  How did you feel?  Did you know where things were?  I was in a dark room once.  While it was a room in a physical sense but the darkness of my mind.  In it I could not see where I was going.  I couldn't see any purpose to my life.  In it was only pain, pain that I was desperately seeking to end.  But before long I could see a light.  At first it was just a flicker, like a flashlight with loose batteries.  Over time it grew and grew until one day I was no longer in the darkness, but in the light.  Some theologians will say that hell, or damnation, is not some fiery pit filled with eternal tortuous punishment, what we associate with Dante's Inferno.  Instead they say that hell is spending eternity in the absence of the love and light of God, never to be in his presence.  When I was in the darkness of my mind, that was when I felt furthest away from the light and love of God.  Instead of living into the darkness, giving into the pain, I followed the light, because the darkness cannot overcome the light.

During this time of Lent reflect on those moments when you felt distant from God, when you felt like he didn't hear you or care.  Think about what brought you back.  How did the light overcome your darkness?

Forever

...And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever - Psalm 23:6

Forever is a long time.  For me there is a duality that is inherent in this idea of forever.  First, it is daunting, scary, and uncertain as forever is a point in time that cannot ever be reached.  In fact it is not even one single point in time, but purely a theoretical understanding of time.  Secondly, it is calming, warming, and welcoming as the forever that is referenced in the verse above from Psalm 23, is a time when all the things of this life pass away and we find ourselves in the presence of God in his heavenly Kingdom.  It is reassuring to know that what will last forever is not the pain and suffering of this world, but the unconditional love of God.

While so far I have discussed how this idea applies to our common human condition, there is another way to look at forever.  What in this world needs to carry on, forever?  What in this world needs to stop, forever? These are deep powerful questions whose answer will vary from person to person.  From their answers we will discover some of that person's passions, what they value, what they care about.  As we begin the second week of a season that seems to last forever, think about what needs to change in our society.  Pray for the strength to continue the work towards what ever goal or dream is in your heart.   

Wilderness

Forty years you sustained them in the wilderness so that they lacked nothing; their clothes did not wear out and their feet did not swell - Nehemiah 9:21

When you hear the word wilderness what comes?  A few words come to my mind when I think of wilderness:  isolation, desolation, wild animals, hardships.  These are but a few words that come to my mind and I am sure that there are many more that can describe wilderness.  The wilderness is a recurring theme in both the Old and New Testaments in which it is portrayed as a desolate place where little survives, especially people.  Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt and spent forty years roaming the wilderness as they made their way to the Promised Land.  There was no water, no food, and the Israelites complained about their hard life.  At one point in their travels they wondered if life was better in bondage than in wandering the wilderness.  All the while, during these difficult times, God was with them and provided all they needed to survive in the harsh wilderness.  In tomorrow's gospel reading from Luke we find Jesus intentionally heading into the wilderness for forty days to face temptation at the hands of devil.  In these forty days Jesus was sustained by his divinity, the source of which comes from God.  For the biblical authors the wilderness represented a place on the fringes of God's creation and where little survived.  A harsh and unforgiving land.  But the wilderness is not always a place of desolation or despair. 

I have been to the wilderness, not only in the Holy Land but right here in our own country.  Through my time in the Boy Scouts I grew to love the natural beauty of the wilderness.  Whether its the dense primeval forests of central Maine, the desolate high desert of eastern Oregon, or the Negev there is a beauty that words cannot describe.  As I traveled the empty roads to Cove, Oregon I found myself stopping on the roadside to not only snap a few pictures but also take in the natural beauty of the land.  There was a stillness, a quietness, that filled the space.  One can not help but feel God's presence even when there was not a single person around for miles.  There is something to be said for spending time in the wilderness.  I can understand the draw the wilderness had for the desert fathers and mothers who sought to rid themselves of the trappings of society and embrace the wilderness as a way to deepen their relationship with God.  I am not about to run off to the desert and live the monastic life, however the wilderness does command a powerful energy that cannot be denied.

The wilderness can be an amazing place full of beauty and danger but the wilderness goes beyond just a physical place.  Sometimes it feels like we are walking through a spiritual wilderness.  As I have noted before my walk with Christ has taken me to some amazing places and also through some difficult moments.  It is in those difficult moments when I felt distant from God and walking through that spiritual wilderness.  I felt lost, without direction, and desperately looking for sustenance to see me through the wilderness.  What I had to remember in those difficult times was that I am not alone.  Much like the Israelites that the prophet Nehemiah writes about in the verse above, God was with me, guiding me, sustaining me, and even sometimes carrying me.  When we are immersed in those times it is hard to see beyond it, but faith in God and trusting in his love will help us through the wilderness and into a deeper, fuller relationship with God.

 

Trust

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding - Proverbs 3:5

When ever I walked into the call center at GS I always noticed the several inspirational posters that were framed and hung on the wall.  Of course they were there to provide motivation to the members of the call center as they interacted with the customer.  I cannot attest to the effectiveness of these posters had on the call center but nevertheless there they were on the walls.  I distinctly remember one of them.  It said, "Trust takes a lifetime to build, but only a moment to destroy", or something along that line.  The poster is absolutely right.

Trust is built up over time, with successive moments where a person is able to count upon either another person or a group of people, and in which each person can lower their guard, become vulnerable, and be their true self.  It only takes one moment, one decision, one action, that can shatter a person's trust in another person or organization that will forever change the dynamic of that relationship.  I do not have to look back very far into my own past to see moments in my life when I had to truly trust in God.

I have known that I wanted to pursue ordained ministry since I was in high school.  I felt that God was calling me to a life of serving and building community.  After graduation I enrolled as an undergrad at Sewanee, aka the University of the South.  For those of you unfamiliar with this tiny church owned liberal arts school, it is located on the Cumberland Plateau in southern Tennessee.  The school's massive land holdings and its location on the edge of the plateau makes for one of the most picturesque campuses I have ever seen.  It is owned by a consortium of southern Episcopal Diocese and houses a seminary on its grounds.  I believed that this school would have been the perfect stepping stone to ordination.  In fact I had in my mind thought that my plan was going to occur in a linear fashion, high school to seminary to ordination.  Bing, bang, done.  I trusted that this was God's plan for me...but what I failed to realize as I zealously headed off to middle of nowhere Tennessee was that my journey was not at all going to unfold according to my plan, but to God's.

Fast forward two years and I was back in Boston with my education on hold, my journey towards ordination on hold, and my life just sort of drifting along without direction.  It was during this time that I felt the most distant from God and what I thought was my calling.  Day after day I questioned God, I doubted his plan for me, I was angry with God and I let him know.  Days turned into weeks.  Weeks turned into months.  Months turned into years.  During this time I was happily employed, had a scheduled routine that provided structure for my life and overall things were good.  I very well could have completely abandoned God's plan for me and made a perfectly good living working for GS and I could have been happy.  However, I felt that something was missing.  While my gifts and skills made me good at my job, I still felt that something was missing.  Then finally one day, my plan realigned with God's.  I am glad that I trusted in him.  I am glad that time had not shattered my trust in him to the point where I would have turned my back to him.

As the passage from Proverbs tells us, trust in God with all your heart and not in your own understanding.  If I had trusted in my own understanding then I would still be at GS, happily working, but not living fully into my Christian life, my life with Christ.  These words ring true in this time of Lent.  As we reflect upon our lives and the contexts and situations that we find ourselves in remember that no matter how far away you may be from where you thought you'd be, trust in God.  Do not let your mind destroy that trust.  Do not reason your way out of following God's plan that is written on your heart.  It is not easy.  God will feel distant, but I assure he is there and will always be there, until we are all called home.

Blessed

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. - Psalm 28:7

It has been almost seven months since my last blog post and I have to admit that I have been a bit lazy about it.  There really is no other reason other than it began to feel like a chore for me rather than a gift from me.  But after these seven months I have been driven to address this underlying desire to get back to it.  Though in the past it has been primarily a personal blog for those who are interested in the goings on while I am in seminary.  It has been useful to go back and read these events, to reflect on their meaning and understand what is going on in my life.  Much to your dismay I will not fill you all in on what has happened in the last seven months but here are a few words to sum up my time away from you lovely people.  So, here we go:

Amazing summer experience
Rural, country, natural setting
Refreshing summer, re-energized for fall
New fall semester
New classmates, new friends
New classes
Challenging classes
Difficult readings
Long nights of writing
Engagement (My personal favorite event of the last seven months)
Good feasting
All A's (Albeit A-'s but still not a bad showing)
Berkeley to Phoenix to Boston to Charlotte to Boston to Phoenix to Berkeley to Boston to Berkeley (all in a 45 day span...whew)
Good family holidays
Good visits with friends
New Years kiss with my love
New Spring semester
New classes
Same friends and classmates

So there you go...consider yourself updated.

While I guess I did provide a brief update, without pictures, I do want to offer you this.  As we ushered in the season of Lent last night with the service of Ash Wednesday, we enter a time of self-reflection, self-discipline, and anticipation of the joyful resurrection of Jesus, where death is conquered and through faith we are promised to be raised up on the last day.  So for the next forty days I would like to offer to you all daily meditations on a different word...all free of charge.  For today I chose the word blessed.

Over the past couple of days I have found myself reflecting on just how blessed I am to be able to be out out here on the west coast engaging in studies that I am really excited about.  For example, I walked out of my afternoon theology class and was walking back to my dorm and it was really warm out.  This drew my attention to the trees around me and there were flowers already blooming on some of the trees.  New shoots were poking out of the ground.  It is February 14th and spring is beginning in Berkeley.  Sorry to all my friends in New England who are buried under feet of snow, but this is part of the reason I feel so blessed.  I thank God everyday for the opportunity to continue my formation in such a beautiful place as this.  I am so blessed to have such amazing and supportive family members.  I am so blessed to have great friends who, even though I have been gone for months at a time, welcome me back as if I had never left.  I am so blessed for my parish family who continue to support me financially and through prayer.  I am so blessed for the gifts that God has given me and that I get to develop and fine tune these gifts for my future ministry.  Most of all I am so blessed for the love and support of Lauren.

Psalm 28:7 says, "The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him."  The psalms are filled with songs of joy and thankfulness.  They were a way in which the people of Israel could express their faith in God and they served a liturgical function as well.  As I begin my season of Lent I give thanks to God in song and prayer for all the blessings of my life.  I ask you, what are you thankful for?  What gets you out of bed each day, glad to welcome the new day that awaits?  I know Lent is normally a solemn time but I want to start it off by giving thanks.  So I ask you again, what are you thankful for?