Whenever I hear that line from the song Closing Time by Semisonic it always gets me thinking about the changes that I have been preparing for, for the last year and a half. It is so true that while I may be forlorn at letting go but it is in letting go that I am able to start anew. Yesterday I said goodbye to all the people I worked with at GS and closed the chapter, a six year long chapter, and I am now ready to prepare for my new beginning.
As I had mentioned before I faced yesterday with some trepidation, knowing full well that this was a bit of a mixed blessing. I had been looking forward to leaving the stress and the long hours behind me but I knew I would miss the people. And true to form, that is exactly how everything unfolded. However, if my last day was supposed to be relaxing and easy, my employers didn't get the memo because I worked on my last day. we were so behind in getting our inventory broken down, scanned in, and up on shelves that for the last three days I was in the warehouse lending a hand to try and get caught up. But yesterday we were fortunate to have some extra people and we busted ass non-stop for close to eight hours. It was so humid yesterday that all I had to do was walk around and I was already sweating. By the end of the day I was tried, dirty, and in desperate need of a shower but we went above and beyond my expectations as to how much we would get done.
I woke up this morning, the sun was shining and a gentle breeze coming through my window and I realized, I didn't need to go to work today. I don't think it will sink in until Monday, but I am now currently unemployed...and it feels weird. I have often thought to myself that others are seeing what I am doing and must think I am crazy to be walking away from a job with benefits in this fragile economic times. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy for doing this, but I know that I am pulled this way and I cannot ignore. I am continuing to put my trust in God and praying that with this end I will be able to embark on this new beginning.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Time will tell...
All too often we are faced with decisions that we must make. Sometimes they are simple choices between what I should wear out tonight to what should I order for dinner. Other times they can have much more far reaching consequences that can redirect the very course that our lives are taking. I have made my choice, stuck with it and I think that in the end time will prove that I have made the right choices, at least this time around anyways.
It has been almost a full month since my last post, though not like anyone would notice because no one reads this but me. I think that I needed that time away. Not necessarily time away from writing, but time to continue to work on myself as I prepare for my trip to Berkeley. I have continued to let go of the baggage that has been holding me back. I have let go of the relationships that are no longer supportive of me and what i am trying to accomplish. The pieces of the puzzle that is my life have been carefully crafted and are now being put in place. Over time as each piece is placed the picture will become clearer. I have worked hard to get where I am today. I sacrificed any semblance of a social life in order to finish my undergraduate degree just so that I could begin the ordination process, because you have to have a degree. I often chose to participate in other activities that my friends were not involved in because I knew that not only did I personally enjoy them but that they would provide me with very beneficial experiences that I could call upon at a later date. I have made my choices and I am sticking by them, no matter the cost.
Over the past month I have continued to wrap things up. I am less than a week away from leaving work and closing a chapter of my life that has been extremely transformative. When I walked into GS almost six years ago, I was broken and trying to put my life back together. I had just come back from a failed relationship and experience in Ohio. I was lacking routine, ambition, and confidence in myself. I even believed that ordination wasn't ever going to be an option because going back to school seemed so damn impossible. What I did not realize on that sunny, but cool November afternoon in 2005, was that I was walking into something that would not only help me put my life back on track but also help me fulfill my dream. So as Friday approaches I know that I am going to have mixed feelings about this departure because the job is wearing me down, but the people are absolutely amazing.
I have also now made the decision to travel with the other postulant from the diocese, Jeff, and his girlfriend, whose name I am completely blanking on right now...oops my bad. I will go into more details about him and how we ended up together for this grand adventure at a later date, but I think that it is going to be awesome nonetheless. I was hoping that my little brother would be able to ride with me out to Cali, but he just got a job and it will be impossible for him to join me. While I am sad for myself at not being able to share this with him, I am happy that he has a ob and will be able to help support the family, so I will be heading out west with Jeff.
I have always believed the adage, "actions speak louder then words," or put another way "what you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." That last quotation comes from Emerson and I truly believe in what he is trying to say. It is easy to recognize and talk about something then it is to actually act upon it. It is easy to say well if I were that person I would have done things differently without giving any thought as to how you really would have acted had you been there. I am tired of hearing people talk and see nothing come of it, so I have made my decision to say what I mean and live what I say. The next three years will serve as an opportunity for me to build a strong foundation upon which I hope that I can help ignite that spark for real change. Standing behind your decisions is not easy. Standing tall in the midst of adversity is difficult. Doing what is right is never easy, but I know that God is with me and if He is with me who can be against me? Are you willing to let your actions speak for you? Are you ready to lead by example? Time will tell.
It has been almost a full month since my last post, though not like anyone would notice because no one reads this but me. I think that I needed that time away. Not necessarily time away from writing, but time to continue to work on myself as I prepare for my trip to Berkeley. I have continued to let go of the baggage that has been holding me back. I have let go of the relationships that are no longer supportive of me and what i am trying to accomplish. The pieces of the puzzle that is my life have been carefully crafted and are now being put in place. Over time as each piece is placed the picture will become clearer. I have worked hard to get where I am today. I sacrificed any semblance of a social life in order to finish my undergraduate degree just so that I could begin the ordination process, because you have to have a degree. I often chose to participate in other activities that my friends were not involved in because I knew that not only did I personally enjoy them but that they would provide me with very beneficial experiences that I could call upon at a later date. I have made my choices and I am sticking by them, no matter the cost.
Over the past month I have continued to wrap things up. I am less than a week away from leaving work and closing a chapter of my life that has been extremely transformative. When I walked into GS almost six years ago, I was broken and trying to put my life back together. I had just come back from a failed relationship and experience in Ohio. I was lacking routine, ambition, and confidence in myself. I even believed that ordination wasn't ever going to be an option because going back to school seemed so damn impossible. What I did not realize on that sunny, but cool November afternoon in 2005, was that I was walking into something that would not only help me put my life back on track but also help me fulfill my dream. So as Friday approaches I know that I am going to have mixed feelings about this departure because the job is wearing me down, but the people are absolutely amazing.
I have also now made the decision to travel with the other postulant from the diocese, Jeff, and his girlfriend, whose name I am completely blanking on right now...oops my bad. I will go into more details about him and how we ended up together for this grand adventure at a later date, but I think that it is going to be awesome nonetheless. I was hoping that my little brother would be able to ride with me out to Cali, but he just got a job and it will be impossible for him to join me. While I am sad for myself at not being able to share this with him, I am happy that he has a ob and will be able to help support the family, so I will be heading out west with Jeff.
I have always believed the adage, "actions speak louder then words," or put another way "what you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." That last quotation comes from Emerson and I truly believe in what he is trying to say. It is easy to recognize and talk about something then it is to actually act upon it. It is easy to say well if I were that person I would have done things differently without giving any thought as to how you really would have acted had you been there. I am tired of hearing people talk and see nothing come of it, so I have made my decision to say what I mean and live what I say. The next three years will serve as an opportunity for me to build a strong foundation upon which I hope that I can help ignite that spark for real change. Standing behind your decisions is not easy. Standing tall in the midst of adversity is difficult. Doing what is right is never easy, but I know that God is with me and if He is with me who can be against me? Are you willing to let your actions speak for you? Are you ready to lead by example? Time will tell.
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